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The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
I don`t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
When you really want to slap someone, do it and say “mosquito.”
I’m the kind of person who bumps into inanimate objects, says, Oops, I’m sorry. And doesn’t stop to ask himself why he’s talking to a wall.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots…
Never Say Never, you just said it twice?
If bar tenders aren’t allowed to sell alcohol to drunk people, then McDonald’s shouldn’t be allowed to sell food to fat people.
Dear Ceiling Fan, If you could hold my weight, i would never be bored again. Sincerely, Bored.
You`re sorry? that`s cool. go write a book about it and let someone who actually cares read it.
If there is no chocolate in heaven… “I AM NOT GOING”.
Vote Up Vote Down My Facebook wall is broken.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, If I die next Tuesday.
Dear smartphones, why can`t you charge yourself? Sincerely, you`re not so smart after all.
Tired of everyone talking about their feelings on Facebook lol…
You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.
Do you know why a previous relationship is called EX? It`s not the term for the past. EX is short for EXpired..
Between Facebook texting, tweeting and email, I haven’t spoken a word in the last 3 years.
It’s raining, It’s pouring. Facebook is boring. I’m bored to death, I’m going to bed, hopefully we’ll meet in the morning!
It used to be, “Can I have your number”? Now it’s, Do you have Facebook..
Don’t be afraid to make mistakes…
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot…
Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.
It’s just Facebook, I wish people would keep it real and stop front in.
If people have a problem with u, always remember, it is THEIR problem…
Hey, I found your Nose, it was in my business again.
I think all woman can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.
Life is hard normally, but it’s harder if you are Stupid.
just found out that if you hold Ctrl and w for 10 seconds it turns your Facebook page from Blue to Red
Why do you talk so fast?” “Why do you listen so slow?”
Finally found out that the plant I’ve been watering isn’t real…
It`s too late to apologise. The damage is done.
Laziness is my middle name.
My friend has just updated his status saying. Is balancing on the edge of a cliff… So i poked him.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I wish I could google “things to eat in my “fridge” so I wouldn’t have to go downstairs and be disappointed.
Your time, energy and love is precious make sure that it is not wasted and preciously invested when dating.
Why can’t shampoo and conditioner run out at the same time?
I hate when my mind won’t shut up when I’m trying to sleep…
When someone adds me as a friend on Facebook, the first thing I do is go through all their pictures.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and you end up walking in the same direction.
Next time someone presses the elevator button you’ve already pressed, act totally impressed and tell them they did it waaaay better than you…
Ah, Facebook, where it is socially acceptable to talk to a wall…
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, i am afraid of widths.
Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet…
Is your name Summer.? because you are as hot as hell.
I had my DNA analysed. It came back with four main components. Bacon, Chocolate, Coffee & Crazy.
One of my mom’s rules growing up was never to write on walls, well apparently Facebook doesn’t have that rule.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.
Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
I never get mad when i see my ex with someone else because i was always taught to recycle my old trash.
Thinks that facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “what’s your problem today?”
If you want to commit suicide, you should jump down from your ego to your IQ.
Bad decisions make good stories. No wonder people find me so entertaining…
Why does paper beat rock? if you hold a paper in front of your face and i throw a rock at it who wins?
Men are like BLUETOOTH connection, when UR beside them they stay connected but when you are away they search for new devices.
Beauty isn’t measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside…. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
Women are like boats: they require constant maintenance and attention, and they cost a lot of money. Men are like buses: another one will eventually come along.