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I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Anyone can make you happy by doing something special but only someone special can make you happy without doing anything.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s tripods with one leg missing.
Can you catch? I think I’m falling for you.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Never argue with stupid people; they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience
he only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets
I wonder if Bono has found what he’s looking for yet? Although, if you’re reading this Bono, I’d try down the side of the couch.
The road to success is always under construction.
Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Thanks to Twitter, I can’t go anywhere without my mobile. Quick question. Do I take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband?
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Well-behaved women rarely make history.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
A blind man walks into a bar…. and a table… and a chair.
I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older … younger.
Sex is like pizza. When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
You know, swinging children upside down really opens doors for you.
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I rub shampoo in my eyes every morning to prepare for the pain of the day.
The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read…
Every bad situation will have something positive, even a stopped clock shows correct time twice a day. Think positive=SUCCESS
Every single moment counts. When you add them all up, they equal your life.
I am going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, i mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze.
If you like me, tell Me. if you miss me show it and if you love me, PROVE IT
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
If there is a *WILL*, there are 500 relatives.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies
Two word’s guys hate DON’T and STOP, unless you put them together ?
That awkward moment when you keep talking & you don’t realise your friend walked away.