Admit it, you are not the same person you were a year ago.
Who remembers going on the computer as kids, just to go on paint and space pinball?
Saying ‘What?’ And then realising what they said a second later.
Just high fived that wall with my face.
Whenever someone says to me ‘Things could be worse’ I punch them in the face and say ‘Like that?’
Don’t make me regret letting you merge into my lane. (Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page )
Look for something positive in each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder.
Impossible only means that you haven’t found the solution yet.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on YouTube and the music stops loading.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say ‘ninja’ once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
That awkward moment when you’re at your friend’s house and he is getting yelled at, so you just stand there and pet the dog.
Tough times never last, tough people do.
I’ve set my ‘life goals’ to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, ‘HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.’
Crying doesn’t indicate that you’re weak. Since birth, it has been a sign that you’re alive.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.
’I don’t watch tv’ proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
The ‘Earth’ without ‘Art’ is just ‘EH’.
Single? Taken? I’m just ready for summer 2016.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
That awkward moment when you don’t know how to reply to a really sweet text.
Just cause you’re sleeping with someone doesn’t automatically make them yours! If there’s no commitment, then it’s all fair game!!
There’s no place like 127.0.0.1
The best part about daylight savings is that the clock in my car is correct again.
Please hold, your call is important to us. Not ‘hire more operators’ important… But like ‘if you need to hang up, that’s cool’ important.
Topless pictures of the Royal Family don’t shock me as much as pictures of them doing manual labor would.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.
the best part about this status message is that by the time you’ve finished reading it you realise that there is absolutely no point to it.
We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today…
My friends: wow what a perfect morning for a run. Me: wow what a perfect morning to go the heck back to sleep.
The past tense of wink is winked.
Actions speak louder than words, so believe what you see and forget what you heard.
If you’re told you only have six months to live, immediately get married. It will make those six months seem like eternity.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.